how many years?

I started this blog ages ago, have out grown a lot of the posts, moved on, grew up changed my life in a lot of ways, mostly for the better. Check out this is my good friend's new blog on WordPress. I went to a writer's workshop this morning, and I have several writing projects to attend too, and the ever changing grind of my job that's the same but different season to season. It snowed this mornig too, and now it's turnig to rain. We've a warm fire in the fireplace and the rest of the afternoon. Life is.

This is the blog of my angst

Apparently.

Again with the violence. I have no tolerance for the petty mean spiritedness that pervades some mind sets, especially within my own family. There is a crassness that invades with words, which then shape thought and produce behaviors and actions that someone always ends up affronted by...I detest the feelings of control in some that feed off the vulnerability of their surroundings.
It makes me feel threatened, as if my own peace of mind can be carried off by the malfeasance of someone's error. Because it is error, a wrongness to be right, a never-ending condescension of a world unworthy.
The smallness of it is frighteningly pity-producing and inescapably disturbing. All of this compounded by cognitive dysfunction in one individual in particular. I have distanced myself in someways, but in others there will never be enough distance. I will be disillusioned about him for the rest of my days, and regret his life story for him. I still don't believe in forgiving the unforgivable. There are others ways, an understanding, an empathy that can be an outreach of sorts, I have little else to give in that respect.
The world is too small and life too short for this to be acceptable. My entire life will be a 'No' to violence, while I affirm the life-giving, beautiful outreach that can be a gentle touch.

Genius

Even Leonardo DaVinci had bad luck in love. I bring this up because I was just educated as to the detraction Mary Wollstonecraft & Edna St. Vincent Millay received because of their love lives. Messy....how many great, deep thinkers were good at the most important connection you can have with another person???

Weird to think about huh? I could be a prime example, I'm what you'd call a deep thinker, and over-analytical get in my own way kind of thinker. I scored very well on the MAT....and I'm an idiot when it comes to this kind of relationship...I'm not like Mary - threatening to kill myself, or Edna with a coterie of lovers hanging about.

I'm too busy for either of that. But it goes to show if you are straining your brain to be immensely creative in someway - you maybe burn up that energy towards a good lasting relationship with a loving partner.

Just a thought. Though I'm sure someone out there has managed it.

The Emperor's Clothes

As we judge, so we live & experience our lives. How many times have I cried in the last year, two, three??

There are countless challenges waiting to happen; that have happened, and I have not been stopped in the living of my life. I have been challenged, hurt, broken down to my finer pieces, and I've done what was necessary for me to continue as me - but more than myself, because I hope to constantly build on the blocks I was first given.

And there are moments when I can step back and say, "Look this is happening, but I know I can do this. I don't want to, but I will do this."

And that is only a slight warmth of consolation. But it is better than stopping, than saying "I give up. I cannot do it, therefore I won't!" Because how could I ever live with myself if I did that? What elaborate phantasms of rationalizations would be created to convince me I was not a coward?

Is that still an appropriate word? Coward? Yes. I can cower before fate, or I can move on, weeping if need be, but moving.

Sisters

Come, witness my strength.
Be silent as I access my own fortitude.
There is always a moment to feel bad,
but so many more to be exactly what is needed.

Come and witness my strength.
There is no question of what I'll be
only what I have to be, have to do,
have to take on.
The elegance of not falling apart but
falling up to the challenge.
There is no room for cowardice,
no room for indecision.
Only a plan and action.

Come, witness my strength.
This is where my life meets the road.
Here are the places my Being is.
I will work from common spaces to bring
us together, to meet the passing moments
with open eyes, to be everything you
taught me to be.

Come witness my strength,
strength my steadfast witness.

Up late, work in the morning

Not that 11:30 pm is truly late, and I don't actually have to work first thing in the am...I don't have to be there until 11:30 am (twelve hours from now). I need my wind down time, my relax and take a breath time. Even though I'd rather spend more time talking in galleries on the 'Neck than going home to prepare to rest, the wine I chased the beer with has given me a headache.

A light has gone off in the closet of my mind lately. A birthday come and gone and I'm taking stock, what is important and what do I need to pay more attention too? Some things definitely need to change. Others I need more or less of, and priorities are getting rearranged to be more beneficial to my writing life, my soulful life and just because I spend more time caring for my parents now, does not mean I have to start thinking like them. -can I get an Amen to that?

Amen.

Lines and Limitations

It hurts sometimes to take what I need. To pull away from someone who needs so much because if I keep answering that call I will have nothing left for me. I've reached some limits; trying to do my best while living for my next day off. Saying no to some people while struggling to get others back into my life on a regular basis.
Life cannot be all work and doing for others. This is the only one I have.
An acquaintance asked me today if I was still writing. I need to give my writing life back to myself.
Is The Cafe a novel waiting to happen? Will Josepha be personalized? Or Lal find herself in the mundane excerices of her research?

Everything is just here. Probability through annihilation.